open post | 5 | kink

[meerkats]

O P E N   S M U T   P O S T

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[onsensual]

[ Pregnancy has been...overwhelming is really the only word to describe it. Yuuri has always had these preconceived notions of what it could be like, as anyone who presented as an omega would. He imagined a thousand negative scenarios for every positive one, and the idea that he would be the worst parent, the idea that he would do any child a disservice made him very sure that he would never let it happen. Not that anyone would want to bond with him anyway, so it was a non-issue.

In all of his overthought and overwrought scenarios, he never once considered that he could actually be happy and stable enough to decide to keep it--To keep her. When it came down to it, the only disservice he had done was to himself. He fumbled with guilt and regret in his delivery of the news when he discovered that their slip up had done exactly what their natural instincts wanted, but the moment that Yuuri saw Viktor's face light up he knew. They had to do this. They were doing this. A stubborn man's decision now set in stone, and that was that. He had to see Viktor light up like that for the rest of his life, to coo over his stomach and what would come from it, something that was entirely and completely theirs. That was something worth doing.

The months that came after were somehow simultaneously the most harrowing and most wonderful of his life so far. They didn't overtake the post failure period for consistency of depressive drops and panic attacks, but the emotional whiplash was nothing to take lightly. He felt like he was always worrying, more than usual, and worrying about worrying magnified by the stress and pressure of an infant kicking his bladder, of demanding more food which he was happy to give in exchange for the constant buzzing reminder that he would be fat again once the baby was out in the world. Yet in contrast there was the pure and unadulterated joy around him, directed at him, from his loved ones. His family, his friends, Viktor shining like he had when he was young and skating on the ice like nothing in the universe could lift him higher. Yet something had, and that something was inside Yuuri. Yuuri had done it, had given Viktor something better than skating.

Sometimes the thought made him actually throw up, and sometimes he couldn't stop smiling into the palms of his hands. He's been a complete and total mess, and he's happy. It's some kind of wild contradiction, and he's sure of one thing: he wouldn't change it for anything.

Three weeks. That's how long it should be according to the Doctor, and he feels heavy. Sometimes he doesn't want to get out of bed at all, just prop himself up and stare down at his belly. Sometimes all he wanted to do was get out of bed, to move around, to go skate or for a walk or go sit in the onsen, but he couldn't. It was hard this close to the due date to go around without help, too much energy to expend that he didn't feel like expending. If he lets himself acknowledge the feeling for what it is, he would know it anywhere; the creeping claws of depression, ready to drag him down the moment his baby girl isn't physically part of him anymore. He shouldn't feel this way and he knows it. All he wants to do is stay in bed.

So while Viktor had gone out, that's exactly what Yuuri had done. He sat in bed and ate snacks that he knew the baby liked. He checked social media (which with the exception of boosts at any shared photos had gone rather quiet without him or Viktor on the ice--because really, what do they matter when they aren't skating?), he checked skate blogs and news, watched youtube videos and gently caressed his stomach, a soft soothing comfort for himself just as much as for the baby.

He feels like he's sinking, like his worth is dependent on something out of his grasp. It takes Viktor coming back home to lift him up. Talk about emotional whiplash. ]

Yeah, that's fine. Please tell me you got the mochi too.

[ If Viktor doesn't get over to him for a hug right this second he's going to lose it, whatever it is. He's not sure. ]